Pondering life is quite the task. It's difficult to figure out the uncertain, and predict the unpredictable. Life has not been particularly bad to me, but lately I feel like life has been a little harsh. Fortunately, I have been learning a lot through this uncertain time. I feel that I am not alone. When I do feel alone, I feel a sense of hope that a cling onto. I'm trying to make sure that the hope I feel is God, and not some sort of reconciliation I want in a broken relationship. While I would like nothing more then the later, the God part is much more significant for now and forever, and my "want" needs to be shifted to what God would want.
Having said that, I continually fight the feelings of wanting her back. I feel that, at times, I can't do anything without her. I feel lost, confused, and lonely. I'm sure this is all apart of breaking up, but I really felt that things were turning for the better before this all happened. I cling to memories that are great, but painful to think about. I'm caught between looking forward, are stopping and staring backwards. For me, I just don't see right now what better God has in store for me. Not life wise, just relationship wise. You don't just ask someone to marry you because you kinda like them...
I can see myself changing in attitudes, thoughts, and decision making. I'm continually making strides in my faith, and have even surprised myself with some of the things I have done. Maybe I wasn't always happy where I was at in the relationship, but God was missing from it. Sometimes you just want another shot, but that can't be the aim either. I guess my pride wants me to redeem myself.
In conversation last night with a couple friends, the analogy was made that not having God right now, would be like not having a life jacket in a shipwreck in the middle of the ocean. That is how I feel, and God is the only thing keeping me afloat right now.
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