Pondering life is quite the task. It's difficult to figure out the uncertain, and predict the unpredictable. Life has not been particularly bad to me, but lately I feel like life has been a little harsh. Fortunately, I have been learning a lot through this uncertain time. I feel that I am not alone. When I do feel alone, I feel a sense of hope that a cling onto. I'm trying to make sure that the hope I feel is God, and not some sort of reconciliation I want in a broken relationship. While I would like nothing more then the later, the God part is much more significant for now and forever, and my "want" needs to be shifted to what God would want.
Having said that, I continually fight the feelings of wanting her back. I feel that, at times, I can't do anything without her. I feel lost, confused, and lonely. I'm sure this is all apart of breaking up, but I really felt that things were turning for the better before this all happened. I cling to memories that are great, but painful to think about. I'm caught between looking forward, are stopping and staring backwards. For me, I just don't see right now what better God has in store for me. Not life wise, just relationship wise. You don't just ask someone to marry you because you kinda like them...
I can see myself changing in attitudes, thoughts, and decision making. I'm continually making strides in my faith, and have even surprised myself with some of the things I have done. Maybe I wasn't always happy where I was at in the relationship, but God was missing from it. Sometimes you just want another shot, but that can't be the aim either. I guess my pride wants me to redeem myself.
In conversation last night with a couple friends, the analogy was made that not having God right now, would be like not having a life jacket in a shipwreck in the middle of the ocean. That is how I feel, and God is the only thing keeping me afloat right now.
Monday, April 20, 2009
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
You Found Me
I don't generally care much for The Fray. But I have enjoyed how they have brought God into the mainstream music scene. Not since Jesus Walks by Kanye West, has a song, talked about God and been so popular. For me the lyrics speak to me deeply. I have come to enjoy this song a lot, and I am thankful that I can be open enough to music I otherwise wouldn't care much for.
I found God on the corner of 1st and Amistad
Where the West was all but won
All alone, smoking his last cigarette
I said, "Where you been?" He said, "Ask anything"
Where were you when everything was falling apart?
All my days were spent by the telephone that never rang
And all I needed was a call that never came
To the corner of 1st and Amistad
Lost and insecure, you found me, you found me
Lying on the floor surrounded, surrounded
Why'd you have to wait? Where were you? Where were you?
Just a little late, you found me, you found me
But in the end everyone ends up alone
Losing her, the only one who's ever known
Who I am, who I'm not and who I wanna be
No way to know how long she will be next to me
Lost and insecure, you found me, you found me
Lying on the floor surrounded, surrounded
Why'd you have to wait? Where were you? Where were you?
Just a little late, you found me, you found me!
The early morning, the city breaks
And I've been calling for years and years and years and years
And you never left me no messages
You never sent me no letters
You got some kind of nerve taking all I want!
Lost and insecure, you found me, you found me
Lying on the floor, where were you? Where were you?
Lost and insecure, you found me, you found me
Lying on the floor surrounded, surrounded
Why'd you have to wait? Where were you? Where were you?
Just a little late, you found me, you found me!
Why'd you have to wait to find me, to find me?
I found God on the corner of 1st and Amistad
Where the West was all but won
All alone, smoking his last cigarette
I said, "Where you been?" He said, "Ask anything"
Where were you when everything was falling apart?
All my days were spent by the telephone that never rang
And all I needed was a call that never came
To the corner of 1st and Amistad
Lost and insecure, you found me, you found me
Lying on the floor surrounded, surrounded
Why'd you have to wait? Where were you? Where were you?
Just a little late, you found me, you found me
But in the end everyone ends up alone
Losing her, the only one who's ever known
Who I am, who I'm not and who I wanna be
No way to know how long she will be next to me
Lost and insecure, you found me, you found me
Lying on the floor surrounded, surrounded
Why'd you have to wait? Where were you? Where were you?
Just a little late, you found me, you found me!
The early morning, the city breaks
And I've been calling for years and years and years and years
And you never left me no messages
You never sent me no letters
You got some kind of nerve taking all I want!
Lost and insecure, you found me, you found me
Lying on the floor, where were you? Where were you?
Lost and insecure, you found me, you found me
Lying on the floor surrounded, surrounded
Why'd you have to wait? Where were you? Where were you?
Just a little late, you found me, you found me!
Why'd you have to wait to find me, to find me?
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
And I dont' want the world to see me...
'cuz I don't think that they'd understand...
Seven years ago I met the most amazing person. I was 16, in High school. I had gotten the boot from the school 2 years earlier, I went to play basketball for a better school in Grade 10. My marks suffered, I pretty much got passed through because athletics were much more important As my grades suffered, my parents felt it might be a good time to plead for forgiveness and get me back into a better school. I wasn't that reluctant to it, some part of me wanted to go back. I mean, this school produced my first girlfriend, some great friends and some memories not soon forgotten, all in my grade 9 year. I ended up getting back into the school, there was a waiting list, but by intervention, I was in. That summer was one of the worst times in my life, I've never known depression, nor did I know what it felt like. It was depression though, it lasted all summer, until the day I started school. I don't think I ever contemplated anything serious, but I remember just a deep pain that I couldn't explain. I didn't know why I was so upset, but something was wrong.
School started, and it wasn't long till I re-acquainted myself with old buddies, and new ones too. Everything came together. I was on the prowl again, I felt good for once. I don't remember much until I met her. I remember her walking through the door of our History class, I was stunned. I didn't remember her like this, probably because I had a girlfriend the last time I was there. I had to get to know her, and I did. I had no idea what i was doing, i was so nervous. Things went well and we ended up going out, I think I asked her out over MSN. Who cares right? haha. Thus started the next 7 years of my life.
We dated for 6 months, we broke up. Devastated was I. It wasn't soon after that though that I could see our relationship growing as friends. We started to get to know each other more, talking about more serious things, and just having a good time. Even though we were not dating, we were growing much closer together. I was pleased, I loved this women. We eventually started to date again, 9 months after we broke up. For the next couple years we continued to grow, we had ups and downs. Eventually we decided to get married. I've never been happier then at that point. I felt great about everything. This girl had opened my eyes. I grew to know God, i went to my first really good church service with her. I learned that malls were cool, and there was more restaurants then i ever imagined. I didn't get out much before this. I had no license, and my parents liked 2 restaurants.
Anyways, Marriage was upon me. It was upon us. We bought a house. We bought furniture. She has showers, we had so much stuff. I was excited, nervous, but excited.
Somewhere down the line things fell apart. I think its down to we were not ready and God was stepping in. We ended up canceling our wedding date. We sold the house. I remember being so upset with myself, I still be ashamed about it. I feel like I ruined it. It's tough, but i live with it. I remember when we were packing things, I sat in the basement and cried. I failed. Epically.
We talked about breaking up, it never happened though. I wanted to resolve things. I wanted so desperately to resolve things, make it better and get married. I loved her to death, and I wanted to make up for my failure. Maybe we should have broken up at the time, but i couldn't fathom it. We went on for 2 more years, I don't know how close we got to getting married again. We talked about it, but we still needed time, and we both weren't ready yet.
Fast forward too February 25 of this year. SHIT. It was over. God finally said no. As much as i wanted to tell God at the time to F off, he was right. We needed to become individuals. I get it. I get all of that.
From that point on, I fell on God, I had no choice anymore. I spent that night shaking, my heart racing for 3 hours. I felt sick. I cried all night, literally. Memories filled my head, good ones. You don't want to think of them, because you know there will be no more of them. I remember the first couple of days...seeing places, hearing songs, everything I did reminded me. I felt alone.
God showed up, but he wasn't going to stop my grieving. It is necessary to grieve, never think it isn't. It sucks so much ass, but you have to do it.
It has been a good month since i cried. Tonight I drove past our house, the one we had purchased. I saw us moving in, i remember it all, VIVIDLY. I wept. I couldn't help myself. What could have been? What went wrong? Why do I feel so at fault?
I don't totally get women. I don't get how they pass up on men who love them to no end. I don't know if I ever will. I question why God did what he did. Why take away something that I poured my heart and soul into, who I thought He sent for me. It's confusing. I know God has a will for me. I can't question it, because I have no choice. I do have questions, but I don't know, it all seems pointless.
Sum 41, yes, Sum 41 put it best in their song 'With Me'
"Thoughts read unspoken, forever in doubt
Pieces of memories fall to the ground"
Actually that whole song explains how I feel, and while I need to let go, I don't know. At times I don't want too. I want to hold out, for what? I don't know. I just want things to work out whatever way they are supposed too. I want to be happy. It's hard to imagine myself happier then I was when i was with her. I was happy to do things for her, to make her happy and put that smile on her face. I longed for those moments, times where I could act out my love, times where I could make her day and make her feel special.
I don't know how to end this, it isn't over. My pain is still real, and while it has subsided a little, it still hurts. I gave 7 years of my life. I don't regret it, but I just wanted a different outcome. I have 7 years of memories that die hard. 7 years of building a relationship that is non-existent now. 7 of the best years of my life.
I just wanted to get this out. I'm at a funny place in my life. I don't know where I am going, or what I should do. I battle between focusing on God and trying to figure out if we could ever get back together again. I want both.
As I prepare to leave for Europe I know I'm taking a big step for my own life. I have nothing to stay behind for. No one to miss. I pray that my eyes are opened, and I can experience something awesome for myself. Hopefully I can come back with a new perspective, hopefully a month away from life here will help the battle I am currently in.
Seven years ago I met the most amazing person. I was 16, in High school. I had gotten the boot from the school 2 years earlier, I went to play basketball for a better school in Grade 10. My marks suffered, I pretty much got passed through because athletics were much more important As my grades suffered, my parents felt it might be a good time to plead for forgiveness and get me back into a better school. I wasn't that reluctant to it, some part of me wanted to go back. I mean, this school produced my first girlfriend, some great friends and some memories not soon forgotten, all in my grade 9 year. I ended up getting back into the school, there was a waiting list, but by intervention, I was in. That summer was one of the worst times in my life, I've never known depression, nor did I know what it felt like. It was depression though, it lasted all summer, until the day I started school. I don't think I ever contemplated anything serious, but I remember just a deep pain that I couldn't explain. I didn't know why I was so upset, but something was wrong.
School started, and it wasn't long till I re-acquainted myself with old buddies, and new ones too. Everything came together. I was on the prowl again, I felt good for once. I don't remember much until I met her. I remember her walking through the door of our History class, I was stunned. I didn't remember her like this, probably because I had a girlfriend the last time I was there. I had to get to know her, and I did. I had no idea what i was doing, i was so nervous. Things went well and we ended up going out, I think I asked her out over MSN. Who cares right? haha. Thus started the next 7 years of my life.
We dated for 6 months, we broke up. Devastated was I. It wasn't soon after that though that I could see our relationship growing as friends. We started to get to know each other more, talking about more serious things, and just having a good time. Even though we were not dating, we were growing much closer together. I was pleased, I loved this women. We eventually started to date again, 9 months after we broke up. For the next couple years we continued to grow, we had ups and downs. Eventually we decided to get married. I've never been happier then at that point. I felt great about everything. This girl had opened my eyes. I grew to know God, i went to my first really good church service with her. I learned that malls were cool, and there was more restaurants then i ever imagined. I didn't get out much before this. I had no license, and my parents liked 2 restaurants.
Anyways, Marriage was upon me. It was upon us. We bought a house. We bought furniture. She has showers, we had so much stuff. I was excited, nervous, but excited.
Somewhere down the line things fell apart. I think its down to we were not ready and God was stepping in. We ended up canceling our wedding date. We sold the house. I remember being so upset with myself, I still be ashamed about it. I feel like I ruined it. It's tough, but i live with it. I remember when we were packing things, I sat in the basement and cried. I failed. Epically.
We talked about breaking up, it never happened though. I wanted to resolve things. I wanted so desperately to resolve things, make it better and get married. I loved her to death, and I wanted to make up for my failure. Maybe we should have broken up at the time, but i couldn't fathom it. We went on for 2 more years, I don't know how close we got to getting married again. We talked about it, but we still needed time, and we both weren't ready yet.
Fast forward too February 25 of this year. SHIT. It was over. God finally said no. As much as i wanted to tell God at the time to F off, he was right. We needed to become individuals. I get it. I get all of that.
From that point on, I fell on God, I had no choice anymore. I spent that night shaking, my heart racing for 3 hours. I felt sick. I cried all night, literally. Memories filled my head, good ones. You don't want to think of them, because you know there will be no more of them. I remember the first couple of days...seeing places, hearing songs, everything I did reminded me. I felt alone.
God showed up, but he wasn't going to stop my grieving. It is necessary to grieve, never think it isn't. It sucks so much ass, but you have to do it.
It has been a good month since i cried. Tonight I drove past our house, the one we had purchased. I saw us moving in, i remember it all, VIVIDLY. I wept. I couldn't help myself. What could have been? What went wrong? Why do I feel so at fault?
I don't totally get women. I don't get how they pass up on men who love them to no end. I don't know if I ever will. I question why God did what he did. Why take away something that I poured my heart and soul into, who I thought He sent for me. It's confusing. I know God has a will for me. I can't question it, because I have no choice. I do have questions, but I don't know, it all seems pointless.
Sum 41, yes, Sum 41 put it best in their song 'With Me'
"Thoughts read unspoken, forever in doubt
Pieces of memories fall to the ground"
Actually that whole song explains how I feel, and while I need to let go, I don't know. At times I don't want too. I want to hold out, for what? I don't know. I just want things to work out whatever way they are supposed too. I want to be happy. It's hard to imagine myself happier then I was when i was with her. I was happy to do things for her, to make her happy and put that smile on her face. I longed for those moments, times where I could act out my love, times where I could make her day and make her feel special.
I don't know how to end this, it isn't over. My pain is still real, and while it has subsided a little, it still hurts. I gave 7 years of my life. I don't regret it, but I just wanted a different outcome. I have 7 years of memories that die hard. 7 years of building a relationship that is non-existent now. 7 of the best years of my life.
I just wanted to get this out. I'm at a funny place in my life. I don't know where I am going, or what I should do. I battle between focusing on God and trying to figure out if we could ever get back together again. I want both.
As I prepare to leave for Europe I know I'm taking a big step for my own life. I have nothing to stay behind for. No one to miss. I pray that my eyes are opened, and I can experience something awesome for myself. Hopefully I can come back with a new perspective, hopefully a month away from life here will help the battle I am currently in.
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