And I dont' want the world to see me...

'cuz I don't think that they'd understand...

Seven years ago I met the most amazing person. I was 16, in High school. I had gotten the boot from the school 2 years earlier, I went to play basketball for a better school in Grade 10. My marks suffered, I pretty much got passed through because athletics were much more important As my grades suffered, my parents felt it might be a good time to plead for forgiveness and get me back into a better school. I wasn't that reluctant to it, some part of me wanted to go back. I mean, this school produced my first girlfriend, some great friends and some memories not soon forgotten, all in my grade 9 year. I ended up getting back into the school, there was a waiting list, but by intervention, I was in. That summer was one of the worst times in my life, I've never known depression, nor did I know what it felt like. It was depression though, it lasted all summer, until the day I started school. I don't think I ever contemplated anything serious, but I remember just a deep pain that I couldn't explain. I didn't know why I was so upset, but something was wrong.

School started, and it wasn't long till I re-acquainted myself with old buddies, and new ones too. Everything came together. I was on the prowl again, I felt good for once. I don't remember much until I met her. I remember her walking through the door of our History class, I was stunned. I didn't remember her like this, probably because I had a girlfriend the last time I was there. I had to get to know her, and I did. I had no idea what i was doing, i was so nervous. Things went well and we ended up going out, I think I asked her out over MSN. Who cares right? haha. Thus started the next 7 years of my life.

We dated for 6 months, we broke up. Devastated was I. It wasn't soon after that though that I could see our relationship growing as friends. We started to get to know each other more, talking about more serious things, and just having a good time. Even though we were not dating, we were growing much closer together. I was pleased, I loved this women. We eventually started to date again, 9 months after we broke up. For the next couple years we continued to grow, we had ups and downs. Eventually we decided to get married. I've never been happier then at that point. I felt great about everything. This girl had opened my eyes. I grew to know God, i went to my first really good church service with her. I learned that malls were cool, and there was more restaurants then i ever imagined. I didn't get out much before this. I had no license, and my parents liked 2 restaurants.

Anyways, Marriage was upon me. It was upon us. We bought a house. We bought furniture. She has showers, we had so much stuff. I was excited, nervous, but excited.

Somewhere down the line things fell apart. I think its down to we were not ready and God was stepping in. We ended up canceling our wedding date. We sold the house. I remember being so upset with myself, I still be ashamed about it. I feel like I ruined it. It's tough, but i live with it. I remember when we were packing things, I sat in the basement and cried. I failed. Epically.

We talked about breaking up, it never happened though. I wanted to resolve things. I wanted so desperately to resolve things, make it better and get married. I loved her to death, and I wanted to make up for my failure. Maybe we should have broken up at the time, but i couldn't fathom it. We went on for 2 more years, I don't know how close we got to getting married again. We talked about it, but we still needed time, and we both weren't ready yet.

Fast forward too February 25 of this year. SHIT. It was over. God finally said no. As much as i wanted to tell God at the time to F off, he was right. We needed to become individuals. I get it. I get all of that.

From that point on, I fell on God, I had no choice anymore. I spent that night shaking, my heart racing for 3 hours. I felt sick. I cried all night, literally. Memories filled my head, good ones. You don't want to think of them, because you know there will be no more of them. I remember the first couple of days...seeing places, hearing songs, everything I did reminded me. I felt alone.

God showed up, but he wasn't going to stop my grieving. It is necessary to grieve, never think it isn't. It sucks so much ass, but you have to do it.

It has been a good month since i cried. Tonight I drove past our house, the one we had purchased. I saw us moving in, i remember it all, VIVIDLY. I wept. I couldn't help myself. What could have been? What went wrong? Why do I feel so at fault?

I don't totally get women. I don't get how they pass up on men who love them to no end. I don't know if I ever will. I question why God did what he did. Why take away something that I poured my heart and soul into, who I thought He sent for me. It's confusing. I know God has a will for me. I can't question it, because I have no choice. I do have questions, but I don't know, it all seems pointless.

Sum 41, yes, Sum 41 put it best in their song 'With Me'

"Thoughts read unspoken, forever in doubt
Pieces of memories fall to the ground"

Actually that whole song explains how I feel, and while I need to let go, I don't know. At times I don't want too. I want to hold out, for what? I don't know. I just want things to work out whatever way they are supposed too. I want to be happy. It's hard to imagine myself happier then I was when i was with her. I was happy to do things for her, to make her happy and put that smile on her face. I longed for those moments, times where I could act out my love, times where I could make her day and make her feel special.

I don't know how to end this, it isn't over. My pain is still real, and while it has subsided a little, it still hurts. I gave 7 years of my life. I don't regret it, but I just wanted a different outcome. I have 7 years of memories that die hard. 7 years of building a relationship that is non-existent now. 7 of the best years of my life.

I just wanted to get this out. I'm at a funny place in my life. I don't know where I am going, or what I should do. I battle between focusing on God and trying to figure out if we could ever get back together again. I want both.

As I prepare to leave for Europe I know I'm taking a big step for my own life. I have nothing to stay behind for. No one to miss. I pray that my eyes are opened, and I can experience something awesome for myself. Hopefully I can come back with a new perspective, hopefully a month away from life here will help the battle I am currently in.

The finer points of Bush

There are far too many people in this world who are so politically naive. There has seem to be this trend in 21st century culture that Bush was "the worst President ever." Most who think this are armchair politicians. They hum and haw and bitch and moan about the way things are, yet they contribute nothing to the greater good of society but pessimism and negativity. People who think Bush achieved nothing while in office fall victim of their own arrogance towards the political spectrum. Instead they rely on their own preconceived notions.

This article by Fred Barnes of the The Weekly Standard, it outlines the best points of the Bush administration. The facts are facts, sorry haters.

The postmortems on the presidency of George W. Bush are all wrong. The liberal line is that Bush dangerously weakened America's position in the world and rushed to the aid of the rich and powerful as income inequality worsened. That is twaddle. Conservatives--okay, not all of them--have only been a little bit kinder. They give Bush credit for the surge that saved Iraq, but not for much else.

He deserves better. His presidency was far more successful than not. And there's an aspect of his decision-making that merits special recognition: his courage. Time and time again, Bush did what other presidents, even Ronald Reagan, would not have done and for which he was vilified and abused. That--defiantly doing the right thing--is what distinguished his presidency.

Bush had ten great achievements (and maybe more) in his eight years in the White House, starting with his decision in 2001 to jettison the Kyoto global warming treaty so loved by Al Gore, the environmental lobby, elite opinion, and Europeans. The treaty was a disaster, with India and China exempted and economic decline the certain result. Everyone knew it. But only Bush said so and acted accordingly.

He stood athwart mounting global warming hysteria and yelled, "Stop!" He slowed the movement toward a policy blunder of worldwide impact, providing time for facts to catch up with the dubious claims of alarmists. Thanks in part to Bush, the supposed consensus of scientists on global warming has now collapsed. The skeptics, who point to global cooling over the past decade, are now heard loud and clear. And a rational approach to the theory of manmade global warming is possible.

Second, enhanced interrogation of terrorists. Along with use of secret prisons and wireless eavesdropping, this saved American lives. How many thousands of lives? We'll never know. But, as Charles Krauthammer said recently, "Those are precisely the elements which kept us safe and which have prevented a second attack."

Crucial intelligence was obtained from captured al Qaeda leaders, including 9/11 mastermind Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, with the help of waterboarding. Whether this tactic--it creates a drowning sensation--is torture is a matter of debate. John McCain and many Democrats say it is. Bush and Vice President Cheney insist it isn't. In any case, it was necessary. Lincoln once made a similar point in defending his suspension of habeas corpus in direct defiance of Chief Justice Roger Taney. "Are all the laws but one to go unexecuted, and the government itself go to pieces, lest that one be violated?" Lincoln asked. Bush understood the answer in wartime had to be no.

Bush's third achievement was the rebuilding of presidential authority, badly degraded in the era of Vietnam, Watergate, and Bill Clinton. He didn't hesitate to conduct wireless surveillance of terrorists without getting a federal judge's okay. He decided on his own how to treat terrorists and where they should be imprisoned. Those were legitimate decisions for which the president, as commander in chief, should feel no need to apologize.

Defending, all the way to the Supreme Court, Cheney's refusal to disclose to Congress the names of people he'd consulted on energy policy was also enormously important. Democratic congressman Henry Waxman demanded the names, but the Court upheld Cheney, 7-2. Last week, Cheney defended his refusal, waspishly noting that Waxman "doesn't call me up and tell me who he's meeting with."

Achievement number four was Bush's unswerving support for Israel. Reagan was once deemed Israel's best friend in the White House. Now Bush can claim the title. He ostracized Yasser Arafat as an impediment to peace in the Middle East. This infuriated the anti-Israel forces in Europe, the Third World, and the United Nations, and was criticized by champions of the "peace process" here at home. Bush was right.

He was clever in his support. Bush announced that Ariel Sharon should withdraw the tanks he'd sent into the West Bank in 2002, then exerted zero pressure on Sharon to do so. And he backed the wall along Israel's eastern border without endorsing it as an official boundary, while knowing full well that it might eventually become exactly that. He was a loyal friend.

His fifth success was No Child Left Behind (NCLB), the education reform bill cosponsored by America's most prominent liberal Democratic senator Edward Kennedy. The teachers' unions, school boards, the education establishment, conservatives adamant about local control of schools--they all loathed the measure and still do. It requires two things they ardently oppose, mandatory testing and accountability.

Kennedy later turned against NCLB, saying Bush is shortchanging the program. In truth, federal education spending is at record levels. Another complaint is that it forces teachers to "teach to the test." The tests are on math and reading. They are tests worth teaching to.

Sixth, Bush declared in his second inaugural address in 2005 that American foreign policy (at least his) would henceforth focus on promoting democracy around the world. This put him squarely in the Reagan camp, but he was lambasted as unrealistic, impractical, and a tool of wily neoconservatives. The new policy gave Bush credibility in pressing for democracy in the former Soviet republics and Middle East and in zinging various dictators and kleptocrats. It will do the same for President Obama, if he's wise enough to hang onto it.

The seventh achievement is the Medicare prescription drug benefit, enacted in 2003. It's not only wildly popular; it has cost less than expected by triggering competition among drug companies. Conservatives have deep reservations about the program. But they shouldn't have been surprised. Bush advocated the drug benefit in the 2000 campaign. And if he hadn't acted, Democrats would have, with a much less attractive result.

Then there were John Roberts and Sam Alito. In putting them on the Supreme Court and naming Roberts chief justice, Bush achieved what had eluded Richard Nixon, Reagan, and his own father. Roberts and Alito made the Court indisputably more conservative. And the good news is Roberts, 53, and Alito, 58, should be justices for decades to come.

Bush's ninth achievement has been widely ignored. He strengthened relations with east Asian democracies (Japan, South Korea, Australia) without causing a rift with China. On top of that, he forged strong ties with India. An important factor was their common enemy, Islamic jihadists. After 9/11, Bush made the most of this, and Indian leaders were receptive. His state dinner for Indian prime minister Manmohan Singh in 2006 was a lovefest.

Finally, a no-brainer: the surge. Bush prompted nearly unanimous disapproval in January 2007 when he announced he was sending more troops to Iraq and adopting a new counterinsurgency strategy. His opponents initially included the State Department, the Pentagon, most of Congress, the media, the foreign policy establishment, indeed the whole world. This makes his decision a profile in courage. Best of all, the surge worked. Iraq is now a fragile but functioning democracy.

How does Bush rank as a president? We won't know until he's judged from the perspective of two or three decades. Hindsight forced a sharp upgrading of the presidencies of Harry Truman and Dwight Eisenhower. Given his achievements, it may have the same effect for Bush.

By your side - Tenth Avenue North - The most encouraging song I have heard.


Why are you striving these days
Why are you trying to earn grace
Why are you crying
Let me lift up your face
Just don't turn away

Why are you looking for love
Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough
To where will you go child
Tell me where will you run
To where will you run

And I'll be by your side
Wherever you fall
In the dead of night
Whenever you call
And please don't fight
These hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you

Look at these hands and my side
They swallowed the grave on that night
When I drank the world's sin
So I could carry you in
And give you life
I want to give you life

Cause I, I love you
I want you to know
That I, I love you
I'll never let you go

Whatever your doing - Sanctus Real - Seems that everyday a new song helps me understand what is going on, gives me hope for the day.

It's time for healing time to move on
It's time to fix what's been broken too long
Time to make right what has been wrong
It's time to find my way to where I belong
There's a wave that's crashing over me
And all I can do is surrender

Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something Heavenly

Time for a milestone
Time to begin again
Reevaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow Your will
Or just climbing aimlessly over these hills
So show me what it is You want from me
I give everything I surrender...
To...

Time to face up
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out
That I've wanted to say for so many years
Time to release all my held back tears

Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but I believe
You're up to something bigger than me
Larger than life something Heavenly

Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but now I can see
This *is* something bigger than me
Larger than life something Heavenly
Something Heavenly

It's time to face up
Clean this old house
Time *to* breathe in and let everything out

I found myself in the car last night on the way and from a hockey game out in Selkirk singing away loudly to this song. The song is by Kutless.

Many things in life are hard for me
Many things can pull us down
I don't understand why I do what I do
How could I take my eyes off you
After all You've done for me
And after all You've done for me

It's by Your grace and love I am saved
It's by Your grace and love You've forgiven me, hey
And by that love and grace, I'm amazed
It's by Your grace and love I am free
I am free

And it's by grace and love that I am free
I'll live with you eternally
I thank you Lord that I am free
I thank you Lord for loving me
I thank you Lord for dying upon the tree of Calvary
I thank you Lord for loving me
I thank you Lord for dying for me

Because it's by grace and love I am saved
It's by Your grace and love You've forgiven me, hey
And by that love and grace, I'm amazed
It's by Your grace and love I am free
I am free

Many things in life are hard for me
Byt my grace and love You've forgiven me
And by grace and love we are free

Casting Crowns - Praise you in this storm. How hard it is, how rewarding it has been.

I was sure by now, God, that You would have reached down
and wiped our tears away,
stepped in and saved the day.
But once again, I say amen
and it's still raining
as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain,
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away.

And I'll praise you in this storm
and I will lift my hands
for You are who You are
no matter where I am
and every tear I've cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to You
and raised me up again
my strength is almost gone how can I carry on
if I can't find You
and as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away

I lift my eyes onto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth
I lift my eyes onto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth

Hope Now

God is Good, this song played 4 times for me on the radio yesterday, is by Addison Road and is called Hope Now. Sooner or later I will get around to explaining everything that has gone on in my life over the past week, and the surprise i finally found in Faith.

If everything comes down to love
Then just what am I afraid of
When I call out Your name
Something inside awakes in my soul
How quickly I forget I'm Yours

I'm not my own
I've been carried by You
All my life

Everything rides on hope now
Everything rides on faith somehow
When the world has broken me down
Your love sets me free

When my life is like a storm
Rising waters all I want is the shore
You say I'll be ok and
Make it through the rain
You are my shelter from the storm

Everything rides on hope now
Everything rides on faith somehow
When the world has broken me down
Your love sets me free

I am not my own
I've been carried by you all my life

Everything rides on hope now
Everything rides on faith somehow
When the world has broken me down
Your love sets me free

You've become my hearts desire
I will sing Your praises higher
Cause Your love sets me free
Your love sets me free
Your love sets me free